Passive Aggression in Relationships Part 1 - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue
The Boomerang Relationship Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and .. to the Boardroom, Scott Wetzler, Ph. D. Simon & Schuster, New York, In some cases, the passive-aggressive man will do both. I remember the first time my ex withdrew from me. It was while we were still dating. One night, Sarah puts on a new, little red dress. When the passive-aggressive person is you, then you need to take the same steps and.
We all hedge, fudge and remain noncommittal on issues some of the time. Common examples of this habitual, passive retreat style of dealing with confrontation and stress include: The person who says one thing but means the opposite. The man who acts passive but aggressively gets his own way by not doing what is wanted. The boss who squelches his anger then strikes out indirectly. The woman who says yes when she means no; then gets cold feet and refuses to follow through.
The client who schedules an appointment but does not show up. The person who fears self assertion and confrontation, but says no by sidestepping responsibility. Anyone in the family who creatively gets out of doing his or her part of the chores. Nice Guy who puts on the sweet face to agree, then does what he darn well pleases. The student who procrastinates with studying and does poorly in school. The person who refuses to hear criticism, discuss his problems or read books about the issue.
The dad who pushes one child hard but allows the other child to get out of responsibility. The not ready to be committed man wanting someone there for him but feels entitled to his freedom. Any individual who spends his effort into under achieving in school, in relationships and in life! What all of these people have in common is that the significant people in their life become very, very angry at their resistant behavior.
The negative energy in the relationship boomerangs from one partner to the other resulting in an unhappy relationship. While women can have passive aggressive behavior, this condition is more typically found in men, therefore this article will focus on the typical male version of this dynamic.
Why Dating and Marrying a Passive-Aggressive Man Is a Horrible Mistake
The typical passive aggressive man has not worked through his anger and power issues with his parents so he replays them in current relationships. His anger comes out in passive way of avoidance. Coping with the Personality Syndrome of Hidden Aggression From the Bedroom to the Boardroom, discusses the dynamic that sets up passive behavior. There are many childhood set ups for this way of coping but most often there is a domineering mother and a father who is ineffectual.
Or there may be a passive mother who gets out of responsibility by her helplessness. There are power struggles in the marriage with one parent backing off and withdrawing. The boy feels trapped between choosing loyalties at home.
He is afraid to compete with his father who is absent either physically or emotionally or perceived as being inadequate. The young boy is not allowed to express his feelings and develop a sense of self. He learns to use charm, stubbornness, resistance and withdrawal to protect himself in power struggles.
He rebels by becoming moody, being an underachiever or developing behavior problems. His self protectiveness and duplicity from the squelched anger and hostility becomes a habit that he plays out with other women he meets. He desperately seeks a woman to meet his needs of being accepted for who he is, but puts her off with small, continual acts of rebellion. He replays the distancing drama of his original family In the relationship.
Agreement, Resistance and Hidden Hostility as Major Characteristics The man with passive aggressive behavior needs someone to be the object of his hidden hostility.
He needs an adversary whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from his parents. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger.
He resists her in small ways setting up a pattern of frustration so that she gets to express the anger that he cannot. He often ignores reality as to his irresponsibility and withdrawal. He denies evidence, distorts minimalizes or lies to make his version of reality seem logical. He uses vague language to sandbag the partner. Inconsistency and ambiguity are his tools of choice. He sulks and uses silence when confronted about his inability to live up to his promises, obligations or responsibilities.
The man with this type of pattern shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others. He obstructs and block progress to others getting what they want and then ignores or minimalizes their dissatisfactions and anger. He is silent when confronted as he has never learned to compromise. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies.
He may have multiple relationships with women as a way of keeping distant from one fully committed relationship.
The Boomerang Relationship - Lynne Namka
He is confused about which woman he wants and stays caught between the two women in his life not being able to commit fully to either. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over dependency. He desperately wants attention but fears being swallowed up by the partner.
He resents feeling dependent on the woman so must keep her off guard. He makes his partner feel like a nothing through his neglect or irritability but he keeps her around because he needs her. He is clever at derailing intimacy when it comes up by tuning out his partner and changing the subject.
He must withhold part of himself to feel safe and may withdraw sexually. Closeness and intimacy during sex may make him feel vulnerable and panicked bringing forth his deepest fears of dependency upon a woman. The passive aggressive man lives an internal loneliness; he wants to be with the woman but stays confused whether she is the right partner for him or not.
He is scared and insecure causing him to seek contact with a partner but scared and insecure to fully commit. Due to the wounding from childhood, he is unable to trust that he is safe within the relationship. His refusal to express feelings keeps him from experiencing his sense of insecurity and vulnerability.
He often denies feelings like love that might trap him into true connection with another human being. He is often irritable and uses low-level hostility to create distance at home. The relationship becomes based on keeping the partner at bay.
He often sets up experiences to get others to reject or deprive him. He becomes a cave dweller to feel safe. One night, Sarah puts on a new, little red dress. When he sees it on her, he smiles and gives a little, surprised shake of his head.
She pretends her stomach hurts when Bill wants to make love. Bill would tell her the truth: But he liked the way she looked in it. Passive aggression is the indirect expression of anger by someone who is uncomfortable or unable to express his or her anger or hurt feelings honestly and openly. Passive aggression is a symptom of the fear of conflict.
Unfortunately, it makes it much harder to reach resolution and closure, because the anger is always simmering, never rising to the surface to be confronted.
The Boomerang Relationship
If you witnessed explosive anger as a child, where a caregiver yelled or displayed physical aggression, you are likely to grow up terrified of the emotion—not just of seeing someone get angry, but of feeling anger, too.
Sure, everyone feels sad sometimes. Not in this house. Over the course of my 35 years working in Santa Monica as a marriage and family therapist, and teacher of anger-management classes, I developed some specific tips for coping with passive aggression. Passive aggression is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. When the passive-aggressive person is you, then you need to take the same steps and remind yourself that it is a behavior that you have the power to change.
What to do in the heat of the moment When passive aggression emerges in the middle of a conflict, here are seven steps to take.
Many men in these situations actions contradict their words. He then ends up doing exactly as he pleases, which is normally the opposite of what you want and gets his own way. But of course there very common examples: Withdrawing by blowing lukewarm or cold when he thinks that you may need, want, or expect things from him that are actually often based on false promises and behaviour during the hot phase.
Cheating or multiple dating to avoid commitment to any one person.
- How to Stop Passive Aggression from Ruining Your Relationship
- Passive Aggression in Relationships Part 1
Marginalising you by treating you poorly whilst enjoying the fringe benefits of being with you but not finishing it with you because he needs you around so he can get those fringe benefits.
Being non committal by struggling to commit to doing something in a few days never mind in a few months.