Push-Pull Dynamic of a Romantic Relationship with a Narcissist | The Savvy Shrink
Have you left a relationship only to come back and then do it again? That constant leaving and staying becomes the cycle of the Push-Pull. The article explores the toxic pattern of hot cold, push pull relationships. Find out why the fear of abandonment drives this pattern, the effects and how you. Push-Pull Dynamic of a Romantic Relationship with a Narcissist the NPD person engages in avoidant behavior that has the effect of pushing.
Whatever the case, the pusher is suddenly shut down and unavailable. This is the most confusing aspect of this dance for the puller, who is blindsided by this reckless behavior.
After all, everything was going so well and looking just like the beginning again! And in a way, it was The typical shelf life for this relationship is about two years and both the pusher and the puller have the same fears -- making it obvious that these two are bound for disaster.
The common fears that the pusher and puller share are intimacy and abandonment.
Push-Pull Dynamic of a Romantic Relationship with a Narcissist
The puller is very much aware of her deep fears of abandonment -- meaning she is conscious of it. Her subconscious fear is intimacy, even though she craves this particular thing the most. For the puller, intimacy is what leads to abandonment. When the connection is sparked, the puller goes into protection mode and puts up a wall to keep safe. The pusher's conscious fear is intimacy, as this is where he, too, faces possible rejection. In opposition of the puller, the pusher is conscious of this fear because he thinks that intimacy will lead to enmeshment, a feeling of confinement and restriction for him.
It is his subconscious fear of abandonment that lead to his fear of enmeshment Neither the pusher nor the puller really wants out of this otherwise tumultuous relationship.
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They are both gaining a great deal from this interaction by re-living old childhood traumas. If the pusher and puller can realize what is actually going on here -- two adults perpetuating old wounds--then they can work on the relationship together. Some couples will stay in these relationships for a lifetime, feeding off the love and connection they feel in between chases.
Relationships are not meant to cause us pain. Our relationships should feel supportive, honest and loving. Women played hard to get in an attempt to appear more in demand. By acting like they had a lot of options, they were often able to secure attention and subsequently commitment from more attractive men.
Certainly, the social script allows for both women and men to indulge in casual sex and avoid relationships, especially before they turn 30 or so. They require liquid courage to go through with the casual hookup. The fear of rejection and being made to look foolish in front of friends trumps the very real desire to connect.
Guys and girls often resort to push-pull, sending a deliberately confusing and inconsistent series of signals to ostensibly drive the other person into a frenzy of desire and need.
The technique was formally codified by sleazy pickup artists: A tension loop creates unresolved emotional tension inside a woman, increases it, releases it by bringing closure to it, and then sparks it all over again.
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The problem is that resorting to this strategy to stimulate interest is a relationship killer. This research examined the association between relationship satisfaction and later breakup status, focusing on the temporal changes in satisfaction ratings of individuals in newly formed dating relationships.
Individuals with fluctuating levels of satisfaction also reported relatively lower commitment. Do fluctuations in perceived partner commitment undermine dating relationships? Arriaga, Reed, Goodfriend, Agnew,confirmed the results: