Enneagram type 1 and 4 relationship tips

enneagram type 1 and 4 relationship tips

_77pxw Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 4, the Romantic Find ways to enliven the relationship, including the physical relationship. You may have heard about Enneagram personality types, but if not, I'm The Helper (#2), The Achiever (#3), The Romantic (#4), The Observer (#5), good advice and who takes on their share of the work in the relationship. Understanding his Enneagram type will help you know exactly what correct you, remember this is one of the ways he shows his love for you.

Ones are conscientious and will sublimate themselves and their personal needs for the greater good, including the shared vision and goals that they feel are at the core of the relationship itself.

Ones can act as valuable sounding boards for Fours, offering advice and wisdom when Fours get confused by the multitude of their feelings or their self-doubts. Fours bring creativity, intense feelings, sensuality, spontaneity, inspiration, and the ability to tap into dreams, the unconscious, and other universal forces. Their expressiveness and emotionality can be a welcome counterbalance to the One's typical formality and sense of order and reason.

enneagram type 1 and 4 relationship tips

Fours give Ones permission to explore and express the full range of the One's feelings and passions. Ones help Fours actualize their dreams by supporting creativity with healthy self-discipline and appropriate structure.

In general, Ones bring self-restraint to the relationship, which may act as a model for Fours, who tend to be more unregulated. Both types have a taste for refinement, beauty, and a cultivation of the arts, and if both appreciate what the other offers, they can make a long lasting, productive team that helps balance the limitations of the other while bringing out qualities that each lacks—one of the primary functions of all good relationships.

Ones think that they are almost always being sensible and objective, while Fours do not try to be "objective"—they want to see things from the subjective, personal side. While both bring a kind of idealism to the relationship, it is usually idealism applied to different things. Ones will be idealistic about social causes, morality, politics, and global issues, while Fours are idealistic, even perfectionistic, about aspects of their personal lives—their lifestyle, their mate, and their choice of work.

Both can reinforce each other's sense of superiority, leading to elitism and snobbery toward others. Support and care, relationship orientation, generosity, positivity, flexibility, and sensitivity to the needs and feelings of others. Balance goal and relationship orientations. Pay attention to own deeper needs and desires.

Type 2, the Giver, and Type 4, the Romantic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers try to satisfy the apparently needy Romantics, attempting to fulfill their needs. They can get caught up in the emotions and intensity of Romantics and lose their own sense of separateness. This cycle could lead to an unraveling of the relationship. Tendency to overdo helpfulness, desire to keep life up, difficulty with deep and darker feelings, and need for appreciation, approval, and attention.

Intensity, relationship orientation, idealization of what could be, depth of feelings, empathy, and authenticity. Practice steadiness since both types fluctuate emotionally. Work on becoming more self-directed and holding ground, especially in the presence of strong emotions and dissatisfaction. Express own desires and needs. Remind the Romantic of what is positive and present. Need to feel special, not feeling satisfied or complete resulting in fluctuating emotions, tendency toward self-absorption and amplification of feelings, and difficulty appreciating what is present and positive.

Giving and caring quality, positive image, enthusiasm, desire to bring happiness, active forward moving energy, and flexibility. Work on assisting Givers in referencing to their own needs.

Show appreciation and gratitude for the positives in life and for what Givers provide. This relationship is truly an attraction of opposites. However, in wanting more connection and acknowledgement, Givers try to bring Observers forward into feelings and more sustained contact.

Then Givers active energy can feel intrusive, overly emotional, and demanding to Observers, who then contracts and disengages. Angry outbursts, alienation, and even disruption of the relationship can ensue. Tendency to overdo helpfulness and become intrusive and over emotional, need for appreciation, approval and attention, and difficulty sustaining a separate or independent self. Develop own autonomy or independence and inner life. Work on moderating claims for time, energy, and connection.

Encourage the Observer to move forward into life and feelings. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, engagement in life, social skills, generosity, and relationship focus.

Move into feelings and stay engaged in life. Allow for dependency and nurturance. Thus, while appreciating Givers support and care, Loyal Skeptics may back off from or confront what they experience as too much attention. A cycle of escalating conflict can result polarizing the situation with the Loyal Skeptic getting accusatory and the Giver getting emotional.

Withdrawal can ensue as one or the other or both types attempt to reduce distress. Eventually, this pattern can cause a lasting disruption of the relationship. Tendency to overdo helpfulness, intrusive behavior, need for approval and attention, hidden dependence, and tendency to over influence with emotions. Questioning mind, healthy skepticism, loyalty, concern for underdogs, analytic skills, warmth, and endurance. Notice and moderate intrusiveness the big forward-moving energyemotional claims, and helpfulness.

Practice directness in expressing own needs and desires. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, responsiveness, genuine caring, generosity, and sensitivity to others. Claim own authority and boundaries. State what actually is needed and desired. Encourage Giver to express own autonomy, needs, and desires. Reduce the tendency to magnify what can go wrong. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 7, the Epicure Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Both types enjoy the strengths they share in common — especially flexibility, friendliness and the love of freedom and the good life.

However, Givers can find Epicures overly self-referencing and self-serving, hence not paying enough attention to the relationship or sufficiently reciprocating in give and take. Givers can then feel neglected and unappreciated and become emotional, demanding, and guilt provoking. Epicures, on the other hand, can find Givers overly focused on others, intrusive, and too needy of attention. A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can occur as the Epicure, feeling smothered and limited, can respond with escapism and rationalization and the Giver with angry outbursts and emotionality, possibly resulting in alienation and deterioration and even destruction of the relationship.

Disowned needs and desires, preoccupation with relationship and connection, and tendency to become inadvertently emotionally controlling.

enneagram type 1 and 4 relationship tips

The many interests and ideas, healthy self-interest, idealism, flexibility, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Develop autonomy the separate or independent self. Work on providing the Epicure with space while maintaining connection.

Express own deeper feelings, needs, and desires. Allow for slowing pace and increasing receptive force. Avoidance of painful feelings, difficulty accepting naturally occurring limits, tendency to avoid emotional commitment, and self-referencing to own interests and ideas.

Giving and caring nature, strong relationship focus, generosity, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Commit to the relationship while asserting boundaries. Allow in feelings and concerns.

In turn, the Protector often resists the influence and may react to feeling contained or manipulated with more confrontation and anger.

Feeling rejected and devalued, the Giver may withdraw or burst out in anger and emotion. This all can result in a deep rift in the relationship and repeated cycles of uncontained reactivity leading to destruction of the relationship.

Failure to focus on and express own needs, habit of altering to please, desire for attention and approval, intrusiveness, and potentially inadvertent emotionally manipulative behavior designed to soften and modify Protectors.

What to Appreciate in Protectors. Power and strength, assertiveness, encouragement and support of desires, zest for life, directness, and protectiveness. Practice holding ground, expressing self directly, and claiming own needs.

Work at accepting, not changing, the Protector. Develop the separate or independent self. Become aware of and moderate intrusiveness and emotionality that the Protector experiences as controlling. Genuine care, helpfulness and willingness to give, sensitivity regarding feelings and relationships, and positive active energy. Develop sensitivity to feelings and allow in own vulnerabilities. Manage energy expression and boundaries.

Type 2, the Giver, and Type 9, the Mediator Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers and Mediators get along well together because they both are sensitive, pleasing, helpful, and accommodating. But conflict arises when Givers become overly helpful and intrusive in an effort to get Mediators to set priorities, take initiatives, and say what they need even though Givers have great difficulty themselves with experiencing what they need. When this pattern persists, the relationship can deteriorate and even dissolve.

Steadiness, patience, genuine care, acceptance of life, empathy, and the tendency to counter active energy with a slower pace and relaxed attitude. Notice and moderate emotions, pace, amount of advice. Develop and express own separate and independent self. Work at personal priorities and needs and encourage the Mediator to do likewise.

Genuine care, helpfulness, empathy, sensitivity regarding feelings, liveliness, and positive active energy. Work on own priorities, personal boundaries, and needs and encourage the Giver to do likewise. Take responsibility for own part in conflict. Be willing to confront intrusion and over giving. They can live parallel yet supportive lives with each taking on the tasks necessary to function and attain goals. They may even become competitive, experience one another as obstacles in the path of attainment and success, and feel insufficiently recognized.

A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can result when this occurs. Then each can get frustrated, impatient, angry, and distance himself or herself from each other, leading to alienation and distant co-existence or dissolution of the relationship. Inattention to feelings and relationship issues, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for too much recognition, and difficulty slowing pace.

What to Appreciate in Other Performers. Notice pace and moderate pace and allow in the receptive force. Encourage expression of feelings in each other associated with the development of the receptive force. Create time for non-work related activities and simply the relationship.

Recognize that love comes from being, not doing.

Type 1: The Perfectionist - Leslie Hershberger

Performers wanting approval try harder, yet often still disappoint the Romantic who pursues the ideal relationship. This pattern can result in a sustained gulf between them and even lead to dissolution of the relationship.

Idealism, deep feelings, sensitivity to others, creative disposition, and quest for authenticity and depth. Allow self to experience depth of true feelings and more receptive force.

Pay attention to and support the relationship. Attention going to what is missing rather than what is present, imbalance regarding feeling versus doing preoccupation with feelings and sometimes inattention to doingdesire for more attention and special treatment, and tendency to become self-centered. Support for action, sustained effort, optimism, practicality, goal focus, and competence.

Stay active and present even when feeling deficient. Balance the human feeling side of endeavors with action. Acknowledge own sense of wanting more attention and depth.

enneagram type 1 and 4 relationship tips

Type 3, the Performer, and Type 5, the Observer Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Observers support each other in work projects and shared activities. As neither type habitually attends to feelings, they are unlikely to resolve the situation through dialogue and expression of personal feelings. They may become alienated and lonely leading eventually to termination the relationship. Pressure to move ahead, focus mainly on tasks and goals, impatience with analysis, shared difficulty in expressing personal feelings, and tendency to cut corners.

Thoughtful analysis, thinking before doing, dispassion and relative calm under pressure, and undemanding quality. Allow for periods of inactivity and reflection while encouraging the Observer to stay engaged.

Work on shared difficulty in paying attention to feelings. Respect boundaries and different work styles. Notice and moderate the fast go ahead energy and pace.

Can-do attitude, accomplishment orientation, competence, engagement in life tasks, showing care through doing and facilitating goals, and enthusiasm. Practice staying engaged and connected.

Encourage Performer to moderate pace and activity level. Work on shared difficulty paying attention to feelings. Declare when alone time is needed. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 6, the Loyal Skeptic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts When sharing a common purpose or goal, Performers and Loyal Skeptics can complement each other well with an action orientation balanced by thoughtful downside analysis.

When Performers push ahead, somewhat blind to potential hazards and what can go wrong, Loyal Skeptics can react with caution and contrary thinking about pitfalls and worst case scenarios.

A cycle of escalating conflict can take place with the Performer seeing this as putting up obstacles to progress and success, which evokes impatience and a push forward into action. The Loyal Skeptic then can feel unheard and discounted, which increases his or her doubt and mistrust. This can spiral into a web of angry allegations and eventually estrangement.

Loyalty, warmth, healthy skepticism and questioning, ability to see the bigger picture, and sensitivity. Develop respect for pitfalls and downside of endeavors. Practice expressing own true feelings. Notice and moderate fast pace and allow in receptive force. Optimism, caring through doing, sustained focus on goals, positive go-ahead energy, and support for achievements.

Practice trusting in plausible positive actions. Be clear about own position and feelings. Pay attention to and express positives. Reduce tendency to either defer or challenge.

Since both types avoid painful feelings and negatives, difficulties can reach crisis proportions before they are faced. This cycle of blame creates pain and anger in both. If the difficulties are not faced, alienation can take place and the relationship can dissolve.

Shared optimism and go-getter energy, mental quickness and inventiveness, positive possibility orientation, flexibility, and the playful adventuresome spirit. Allow in painful feelings and seeming negatives and encouraging the Epicure to do likewise. Practice slowing the fast pace and allow in receptive force. Develop patience by noticing the tendency toward impatience and releasing from it. Positive active energy, accomplishment and solution orientation, disciplined goal focus, practicality, and caring through doing.

Allow in painful feelings and seeming negatives, encourage the Performer to do likewise. Come more into the present moment and away from future planning. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 8, the Protector Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Protectors can join together in pursuit of shared goals with vigor and determination.

However, control and competition struggles can emerge unbuffered by softer feelings. A cycle of escalating conflict can ensue with the Protector picking up on the changes of position on the part of the shape-shifting Performer, leading to more provocation of the all-or-nothing style of confrontation. Hurtful fights, withdrawal, and disruption of the relationship may ensue leading to termination the relationship.

Strait-forwardness, big life energy, support for goals, action orientation, courage of convictions, and strength of purpose. Welcome negative feedback and challenge. Pay attention to own true feelings.

Encourage the Protector to express his or her softer more vulnerable side. Go-ahead energy, goal-directedness, achievement orientation, flexibility, enthusiasm, and caring through doing.

Recognize Performer for positive contributions and encourage the expression of true feelings. Allow in own softer feelings and receptive force. In turn, Performers help to mobilize Mediators into action. Getting frustrated and impatient, the Performer may pressure the Mediator to make decisions.

Feeling discounted and controlled, the Mediator can become anxious, stubborn and resistive. This then may escalate into angry exchanges and debilitating, prolonged stand-offs that threaten or may even dissolve the relationship. Preoccupation with success and recognition, fast pace, inattention to feelings, self-focus, and desire to maintain a good image. Steadiness, ability to defer, adaptability, empathy, genuine support and caring, and ability to set slower pace and provide a counterbalance to active energy.

Notice and express own true feelings. Practice receptivity — really listening.

Ability to focus on goals and solutions both for self and other, joy in doing, can-do attitude, sense of hope, and competence. Insist on being heard. Encourage Performer to moderate pace and listen. Concentrate on what is wanted and important, not on what is not wanted and inessential.

Then, they may feel disappointed in each other or themselves and feel that something important is lacking. A push-pull can take place between them when what is absent and longed for seems better or more ideal than what is present and fulfilling.

Relationship Type 1 with Type 4 — The Enneagram Institute

A cycle of escalating conflict can arise in, which they compete for understanding, acknowledgement, support, and attention. Moodiness, anger over disappointments, and loss of steadiness may ensue. When this push-pull cycle repeats often enough the relationship can destabilizes and dissolve. Tendency toward self-preoccupation, desire to be special and unique, focusing on what is missing rather than what is present, and push-pull swings of emotion. What to Appreciate in Other Romantics.

Intensity, depth of feeling and reflection, idealism, the romantic and aesthetic flair, empathy for suffering, and authenticity. Seek to understand rather than be understood. Practice staying steady and present, especially in the midst of strong emotion. Appreciate the ordinary as well as the extraordinary. Focus on what is present rather than what is missing.

In general, however, Romantics want more and Observers want less in relationship. Romantics can experience Observers as emotionally unavailable, overly intellectual, withholding, and controlling of time and energy, while Observers can experience Romantics as too emotional, demanding, intrusive, and difficult to satisfy. A cycle of escalating conflict can occur with the Romantic becoming more demanding and self-focused and the Observer more retracted and detached from feeling.

At worst, this can devolve into paralysis of action, disengagement, and ultimately alienation. Desire for more feeling and attention, difficulty feeling satisfied with what is present, strong emotional expression, and tendency to become self-oriented.

Thoughtful analysis, dispassion, steadiness, non-demandingness, good personal boundaries, and self-sufficiency. Soften claims for depth of connection and feelings. Welcome less rather than more as desirable. Show gratitude for what is present in the relationship. Stay present in order to respect personal boundaries. Encourage Observer to stay connected and move into life.

Tendency to detach from feelings and go into the mind, habit of over-intellectualizing, tendency to get overly protective of time and energy, and pulling away rather than engaging in interaction and fully in life.

Depth of feeling, idealism, desire for authenticity and connection, deep caring, and heartfelt empathy. Work at staying present and connected. Value and express feelings.